Flipping the Script

Turning victimhood into a heroic quest.

Welcome to the new readers who’ve joined this past week. I don’t know how you all find me here but it’s great to have you on board and I look forward to your comments.

A new friend recently asked me why we often talk about what’s wrong in the world and wondered how we might shift into discussing what’s right. One might argue that there’s plenty wrong to talk about and that it would be irresponsible to just ignore it. But we can choose what to talk about. And we might question if just talking about problems ever improved anything.

Commiserating about what’s wrong can become an addiction and one of our primary addictions is to “normalcy,” whatever our personal version may be. This might include being armchair quarterbacks who trade opinions and venture solutions that are entirely theoretical and never actually change whatever we are complaining about. Of course, indulging any addiction gives us the dopamine hit we crave which explains why we might continue unproductive behaviors, even when we know that they won’t achieve anything measurable.

That reminds me of Einstein’s definition of insanity: doing the same thing but expecting a different result. Oops.

Under survival stress – and who isn’t stressed out at times - we apparently have three choices: to run, fight, or freeze/hide. Most of our civilized fighting is with words (arguing) and if we opt out of that but remain in survival mode, we’re now left with only two choices: running away (getting obsessed with career, relationships, a cause, etc.), or hiding (avoiding the issues… like, never watching the news). Regardless, all three responses belong to victims. And victims flounder in a psychological structure known as the drama triangle.

This is the daily soap opera that most people live in and accept as normal. It’s not normal, it’s just familiar. There are three primary roles and we tend to circulate between them all from time to time.

It's impossible to enjoy a meaningful life experience until we quit identifying as victims, railing against villains, and waiting to be rescued by a hero. We do that by accepting a new role, becoming the hero in our personal life story and exchange feeling stuck for being responsible. This doesn’t instantly transport us to heaven on earth! All heroes face challenges… that’s what makes them heroes! But they confront their inner demons and outer dragons and do whatever is necessary to succeed, especially when they don’t feel like it!

Any one of us who surrenders victimhood can inspire others to make the same choice about who they think they are. Then we’ve got something positive to talk about, as we transition from victim to hero. For instance, saying “Those guys are pulling all the strings, controlling our lives, and there’s nothing we can do about it,” might become, “I used to judge those people; now I feel sorry for them because they’re missing out on feeling grateful for the way things are - this amazing gift of life.”

This is how the Drama Triangle becomes The Hero’s Journey. Run away, fight, or hide turns into flow, engage, or be.

As a hero, not a victim, we don’t run, we flow. We embrace our circumstances as they are, the reality of the moment, perfectly tailored for us to learn and grow, to heal and succeed. Fighting becomes engaging, actively interacting with our challenges. And instead of hiding, we rest, content in the midst of chaos, feeling the calm that centers every storm.

This can’t be done on our own. “No man is an island” is a familiar attempt to describe our connectedness, not just with each other but with Life itself. Whatever is beating our hearts and steering the stars… many of us call that God, it’s in all of us, it’s what connects us. Acknowledging that, knowing that this is where intelligence and love originate, that’s what brings us comfort and calm and confidence.

Connected that way, we are never alone.

My business partner and I are developing an advanced program that guides people through this transition from isolated victim to connected hero. Stay tuned for details (or shoot me an email for more info). In the meantime, let’s practice disrupting conversations that do little more than increase frustration and the feeling of impotence by shifting to this heroic model.

It begins with letting go of victim mentality and that’s a choice in every moment.